My Testimony: Freedom

I am forgiven and walk in forgiveness.

I am a single mom.  

When I was seventeen, I gave my virginity to my "experienced" boyfriend [of the same age].

I had full knowledge of what I was doing.  

I even knew what brokenness was in operation.

However, I did not know that it was unprotected.  

We had the talks, his mom had even taken us to a store and purchased contraception "in case".  

I thought it was well understood and agreed upon.  

Yet, that fateful night, in my naivety, I was sacrificed for his pleasure.

Once done and dealing with the shame and guilt of what I had just done, he told me about the selfish choice he had made.  Shocked and stunned into numbness, I spoke those fateful words, "I'm pregnant."

His response, "God wouldn't let you get pregnant your first time."

Indignation rose up on the inside of me.  How dare he make a statement like that after knowing how I had just betrayed my savior?  If it wasn't in the plans for me to get pregnant, then the power of my thoughts brought it about.  I was so sure that there was no other outcome for this action.  It was inevitable.  How could you do what I did and say what he said and not pay a price?

Six weeks later, it was confirmed.  I was carrying a child of an ex-boyfriend that represented more guilt and shame than I had ever experienced.  Not because of what people would think, although that was always a lurking, secondary worry, but more because I knew better.  

I was so angry.  

I still fight that anger.  

I'm wasn't irate that I was pregnant, but because I was sacrificed...again.

The bigger issue, every important person in my life has sacrificed me at one time or another.  

My parents sacrificed me and my brother for their mess.  

Time and time again it seemed that we were inappropriately laid on the alter.

So how do I forgive these people?  How do I forgive the ones who were expected, who promised to guard my heart?  How do I forget the searing pain?

By recognizing that they were nothing more than tools.  Tools used by both the enemy and God.

Let me explain: The enemy has always tried to destroy me one way or another.  He sees the calling and protection of God on my life and constantly looks for ways to get a foothold.  

I almost died when I was a toddler from asthma, drowning, and falling out of a window.

I've been in car crashes.  I've almost bled to death in child birth.  I've had many close calls.

I've been physically abandoned. I've been physically abused.  I've been emotionally abused.  I've been psychologically abused.  

All by those who were charged with my protection.

Yet I'm still free.  

I have watched God completely transform me and my family.  

I've seen Him turn the ugliness in us all to gold.  

I've been a vessel for him.  

Completely unworthy, yet still redeemed and restored.

My child's father made a mistake.  He may have sacrificed me, but God saw it as an opportunity of training.  In ten years, I have never looked like a typical single-mom in any way.  He has covered every weakness and given me an amazing child who is a vessel of joy and peace.

This training birthed a ministry to help others see who God has created them to be in the midst of the storm.  To be victorious and free.  To be able to walk out of the cell that God has already opened the door to.  

And then to go back and beckon others into their freedom.

God created a hero out of the flames of my life.  

What the enemy meant for my bad, God not only intended, but efficiently and effectively used for my good.

So, even though the enemy meant to use all of those in my life for my demise, I forgive you.  For you knew not what you did.  You didn't know the extent of your actions.  I don't believe that any of you, if you would have seen beforehand the destruction it would leave behind, would have done any of the things that you did.

I forgive you and release you from responsibility.

Thank you Jesus for your example.  The people didn't know who they were crucifying.  They didn't know that they were fulfilling the prophesy to make way for salvation.  Jesus, you didn't hold a single person responsible  but cried out for their forgiveness.

Lord, if any of the people that I've held unforgivness for struggles with shame and guilt from these occurrences  please free them.

Break the chains and let them walk victoriously and freely as the creature that you called into existence.

For he who the Son sets free is free indeed!